Meaningless Banter
by Garden-Goddess
Summary: A section full of what the title says, Meaningless Banter!
1. Smile for the Camera

Chapter One: Smile for the Camera!

Garden Goddess: "Hey everyone!" ^_^ "I've decided to start a new humor section, called Meaningless Banter! I thought it was time to lighten up my writing style!"

Joey: -_- ' : "Since when do you have a sense 'a humor?"

Garden Goddess: . "WHAT TYPE OF QUESTION IS THAT?! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!"  
  


Joey: (Backs aways slightly) "Nothin', nothin'! Nevermind, keep goin'."

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "Anyways, as I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, I have come up with an idea after watching an episode of that candid camera...thingy... anyway, I have decided that I will do the unthinkable and hand Joey a camera."

Joey: O.o "Wha?!!!!"

Garden Goddess: "Hehehe.. I will have Joey walk around with his camera and see if he can find anything interesting amongst all the Yu-Gi-Oh cast." (Hands Joey a camera and grins) ^_^

Joey: -_- ' "I uhhhh... Garden Goddess?"

Garden Goddess: "Just call me GG, Joey."

Joey: -_- ' " 'kay... uhh... how do ya work dis thing?"

Garden Goddess: -_-' "This could take awhile. Just push this button here and hold it up and look through here... see that red blinking light, that means its recording. Push the same button again... and it stops recording... oh and remember to change tapes every once in awhile. You'll hear it clang when the tape's been fully used."

Joey: (Stares at the camera as though it were a strange mystical item) "Okay.. I think I got it!"

Garden Goddess: "I'm happy for you.. now go and see what you can get on film."

(Joey starts to walk away, raising the camera and beginning to film the sky and sidewalk.)

Garden Goddess: "I have got a bad feeling. Maybe I shouldn't have put him in charge of a camera.."

(An hour passes. Joey returns with the camera, a large grin on his face and three tapes in his hand.)

Joey: ^___^

Garden Goddess: O.o "Should I even ask?"

Joey: ^_________^

Garden Goddess: -_- ' "Okay, okay, now you got me curious. What'd you get on film that has you grinning like Yugi?"

Joey: (Hands her the three tapes and grins) ^___^

Garden Goddess: "Stop smiling like that! You're creeping me out!"

Joey: "Sorry! I just think I did a good job dat's all...heh...heh.."

Garden Goddess: (Slowly takes the tapes and looks amongst the three.) "I guess I better watch these."

(Garden Goddess slowly takes the first tape and slides it into the VCR as Joey continues to grin like a maniac.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Joey's Tape # 1 : Kaiba and Mokuba Wrestling Match

Joey's voice: " 'Kay so here I am.. walkin' around... what am I 'spose to get on tape...??"

(He's walking down the length of a sidewalk, the camera held steady as he follows the length of the ground until he nearly smacks into a gate. He looks up to find himself at the Kaiba Mansion)

Joey's voice: ^__^ "I wander what Kaiba's up ta."

(The screen goes out than comes in and focuses on two figures inside the Kaiba Mansion. The taller figure is Kaiba, the shorter second one is Mokuba.)

Joey's voice: "Hey, I found 'em. What are dey do-"

(The camera catches the two boys suddenly slamming eachother into the ground, Kaiba held in a headlock and Mokuba's leg held in Kaiba's arms.)

Joey's voice: O.o "Holy cow! It's a Kaiba brothers smackdown! Whoohooo! And I gots a front row seat!"

Kaiba: "GIVE IT BACK MOKUBA, JUST GIVE IT BACK!"

Mokuba: (Still holding Kaiba in a headlock) "NO! MAKE ME!"  
  


Kaiba: "I SAID GIVE IT BACK!!"

Mokuba: "NO!"

Kaiba: "YES!"

Joey: O.o

Mokuba: (Let's go of Kaiba's head and turns, biting down on his arm.) 

Kiaba: O.o "AHHHHHHHH!! LET ME GO, LET ME GO, YOU CAN KEEP IT, YOU CAN KEEP IT ALREADY!"

Joey's voice: O.o " 'Kay, I'm confused. What da heck are dey talkin' 'bout?"

Kaiba: (Works his arm away and grabs his brother by the leg, lifting him over and flipping him onto his face.) "DON'T TEST ME KID!"

Mokuba: "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" (Stands up and runs into his brother head on, taking him down onto the floor causing them to land in a large heap.) 

(The two wrestle frantically, twisting eachother's arms and legs, pinning eachother down and causing the other to call out in agony. Mokuba finally manages to pull Kaiba's arm back behind his back and sits on his back, pulling his right leg behind him as well.)

Mokuba: (Watches as Kaiba struggles to get loose) "DO YOU GIVE UP?!!"  
  


Kaiba: -_- ' "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! LET ME UP ALREADY!"

Mokuba: (Gets off of him and slowly stands, doing a victory dance) "I WON! I WON! I WON! I AM THE VICTOR! I CONQUER ALL! I KICKED MY BROTHER'S BUTT! I CAPTURED THE FLAG! I SAVED THE BASE AND SUNK HIS BATTLESHIP! I OPENED A CAN A WHOOPASS! I BROUGHT THE FISCHIZAL TO HIS NIZAL! I -"

Joey: (Trying to contain his laughter at the look on Kaiba's face.)

Kaiba: .

Mokuba: (Stops his dance and fidgets under his brother's death glare) "Sorry Seto."

Kaiba: (Rubbing his arm at the spot Mokuba bit into) "Geez, Mokuba, did you HAVE to bite me?"

Mokuba: (crosses his arms) "Yes, you were gonna take it away from me!"

Kaiba: -_-  (Let's out a long sigh) "It's just the REMOTE!" (Holds up the small black remote to the large screen tv in the room)

Joey: -_-?! (falls over in surprise and shock, smacking his head on the window he's looking into and dropping the camera)

Kaiba's voice: (looks around at the sudden noise) "What was that?"

Mokuba's voice: "I think it came from the window."

Joey: @_@ "Owwww.... da pain...."

Kaiba: (Opens the window)  O_O "Wheeler?!"

Joey: O.o  "Uhh.. heh.. heh... hi Kaiba."

(The Tape Goes Blank)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Garden Goddess: O.o "Well...that... was... interesting..."

Joey: ^_^

Garden Goddess: "Who knew Mokuba could be so violent..."

Joey: "I can't believe Kaiba got the crap beat out of 'im by a ten year old!" (Laughs hysterically)

Garden Goddess: -_-' "Joey... Kaiba beats you up all the time..."

Joey: (Still laughing)

Garden Goddess: (sighs) "I'm almost afraid to look at the next one but... here I go.."

(Slips in the second tape)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Joey's Tape # 2 : Twister

(Joey is inside a house and is looking around at everything with his camera.)

Tristan's voice: "Hey whatcha doin' Joey?"

(Tristan's figure finally appears and he begins to do faces in front of the camera but Joey reaches a hand out annoyed and pushes him away.)

Joey's voice: -_- "Nuttin' just filmin' stuff for someone."

Tristan: ^_^ "Cool."

(Joey walks around a corner and focuses the camera on the scene sprawled out before him. Yami and Tea are playing twister in the living room.)

Joey's voice: (The camera focuses on the two figures) "Whatcha guys doin'?"

Yugi: "We're playing twister."

Tea: -_- "Or trying anyway."

Tristan: (Suddenly appears again and sits down, lifting the spinner and grinning like a maniac) ^_^ "Okay guys, left hand on blue."

(Both Tea and Yugi struggle to place their hands on a blue circle and suddenly tumble into a heap onto the floor. The camera shakes at the impact of Joey's laughing and than steadies when he realizes they aren't getting up again. Tristan looks equally confused.)

Tristan and Joey: o_o?

Tea: -_- ' "Uhh... heh.. guys.. I think... I'm stuck!"

Yugi: O_O "HELP!!"  
  


Joey's voice: ^_^ "Ha, ha! It's yer fault!"

Tea: (Tries to detangle herself from Yugi but fails) . "Stop laughing and help us!"

Joey and Tristan: ^_______^ "NOPE!"

Joey's voice: ^_^ "Look dere a human couple pretzel!"

Tristan: "A human couple pretzel engaged in a native dance!"

Joey's voice: (Suddenly slips into a Jeff Corwen Accent) "Look at this wild creature, it's natural habitat makes it very dangerous! One bite could be fatal. Get too close and you could be tangled amongst its long legs and arms. I'm going to attempt a closer contact right now." (Steps towards them and zooms in on their faces) "Look at it! Look! I'm right near it! I'm right in front of its deadly jaws!"

Tristan: (Laughing hysterically.)

Yugi: -_- '

Tea: .

Joey's voice: (Notices Tea is beginning to untangle herself and slowly backs away at her expression) "I tink dis is where I leave. See ya Trist! See ya Yuug!"

(Joey turns quickly just as Tea gets up to follow him. The tape goes blank.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Garden Goddess: (laughing) ^_^ "Well I have to say I enjoyed seeing them tangled like that! That is just TOO funny!"

Joey: (On the floor rolling with laughter) "HAHHHAHAAHAHA....!"

Garden Goddess: "Well I can see Joey is enjoying himself."

Joey: (Stands up slowly) ^_^ "I gotta film people more often!"

Garden Goddess: -_- "Right."

Joey: "I tink _I_ better put in da last tape."

Garden Goddess: "Why?"

Joey: ^_^

Garden Goddess: "Joey you're scaring me."

(Joey slips in the final tape and steps back to let her watch.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Joey's Tape # 3: Crossdressing for the Faint at Heart

          (The camera is moving and reveals Joey's face. He's holding the camera with his hands, holding it away from him so his face is seen.)

Joey: ^_^ "Ya really gonna like dis one GG."

(His face disappears and he's holding the camera again. He's walking up to a house and is walking through it until he comes to a room where the door is slightly ajar.)

Joey's voice: (In a whisper) "Some kid at school told me 'bout dis a week ago. I thought I might as well check it out."

(Joey slowly pushes the bedroom door open slightly to reveal a figure of a young man standing in front of a mirror. He's dressed in a slick red sequined dress, the skirt short and the neck line low. His face his filled with bright colors of makeup and he's grinning as he admires himself.)

Joey's voice: (Can no longer control his laughter) "HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!"  
  


(The figures spins around and the camera gets a fool shot of Duke Devlin.)  
  


Duke: "Joey Wheeler? What the heck are you - is that a camera?!"

Joey: (Still laughing. Manages to nod as he zooms in on his figure.) "Smile for da camera you hot sexy thing you!"

Duke: (Starts towards the camera) "You will give me that camera this instant, unless you want me to beat the crap out of you!"

Joey: (Starts running backwards with the camera still focused on him.) "What's wrong? Can't run in ya heels?!"

Duke: "Get back here Joey!!!"

Joey: (Laughing) "I can't do dat now can I? Afta I show everyone dis, I'll get all the girls to myself!"

Duke: (Begins to run incredibly fast, regardless of the heels) "YOU SHALL PAY!"

Joey: (Begins to runaway) "Ha, ha! Try and catch me if ya can ya hot, sexy stud! Whoohoo!!"

(The camera continues to focus on Duke as he runs in the dress than slowly turns to focus on the floor as Joey sprints out of the house and down the street. The tape goes blank.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Garden Goddess: (Is trying to control her laughter as she clutches onto her side) "Duke...Devlin... in a... dress?!"

Joey: (Grinning like a maniac) "I said da same thing."

Garden Goddess: (Slowly composes herself) "I must say Joey.. you did a good job."

Joey: (Grins) "Tank you."

Garden Goddess: "Well guys I guess this ends the first chapter of Meaningless Banter. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did."

(She pauses the VCR on the vision of Duke in a dress and starts to laugh again uncontrollably.)

Joey: (Starts to laugh) "Now I got some dirt on 'im!"

Garden Goddess: "You mean 'we'. Anyways, I will see you guys next time on another addition of 'Meaningless Banter'! Please read and review, if you can - for I'm sure you are as compelled by the vision of ...." (Pauses to let out a chuckle) "Duke Devlin in a dress as we are...! I'd like to thank Joey for joining me on the show."

Joey: (laughing hysterically)

Garden Goddess: "I guess he's kind of distracted!" (Rewinds and plays the tape again)

(Both Joey and Garden Goddess burst out into insane howls of laughter.)  
  



	2. Lessons in Love

_Disclaimer: No, I don't own Yu-gi-oh or any of its characters._

Chapter Two: Lessons in Love

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "Hey guys and welcome back! I'm sure you've missed me! Here's another edition of 'Meaningless Banter' !"

Kaiba: (Growls) "Why am I here again?"

Garden Goddess: (Looks to him) "Wait a second! Sheesh, so impatient!" (Looks back to readers) "I'm sure you're all curious by the title of this chapter... cause I'm sure Seto is!"

Kaiba: (Eyes her angrily) "Stop calling me that!"

Garden Goddess: O.o "Well, it is your name. Anyways, my next victim..er person joining me in my insane meaningless mission is none other than Seto Kaiba himself. Of course this took alot of bribing and begging to get him here."

Kaiba: "This is a waste of my time." (Begins to walk away)

Garden Goddess: (Grabs him by the back of the collar of his trench coat) "Hey! Leaving so soon? Come on we had a deal! Or would you like everyone to see this embarassing baby picture of you with cake all over your face?" (Holds the pictures up to Kaiba)

Kaiba: O.O (Face turns crimson at the picture) "Where'd you get that?!"

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "Mokuba gave it me. Surprising what a little sugar can do to a child. Anyway, I assume that you have no further arguments?"

Kaiba: (Mutters to himself incoherently)

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "That's what I thought."

Kaiba: (Sighs in defeat) "Let's get this over with."

Garden Goddess: (Rolls her eyes) "You sound so excited."

Kaiba: (Changes his voice slightly into a high pitch) "Oh, GG I can't wait to start! Please, tell me what to do!" (Changes his voice back into a deep snarl) "Happy now?!"

Garden Goddess: "Very! Anyhow, this is how its gonna work. We all know how annoying guys are when they try and pick up girls. So on this edition of the show, I will have Seto.. I mean Kaiba attempt to hit on some girls using the worst pick up lines ever used by men."

Kaiba: (Mouth hangs open in shock) "Tell me you're joking! I am NOT doing that!"

Garden Goddess: (Smirks) "On the contrary, I am being VERY serious. Consider this pay back for standing me up last week."

Kaiba: (Sneers) "I never even agreed to go out with you!"

Garden Goddess: (Puts on a sad face and sniffles) "You hurt my feelings..."

Kaiba: (Raises a hand to his forehead) "I'm getting a headache. Fine - let's just do this already."

Garden Goddess: (Suddenly cheers up) "Okay! So let's - "

Kaiba: (Interrupts) "Why am I the one forced to do this?! What about that dog, Wheeler?!"

Garden Goddess: -_- "I am a feeling this will take awhile. Okay, Kaiba, look. Joey was on last time and besides Joey couldn't pick up a girl if she was lying on top of him!"

Kaiba: (Laughs) "Hey that was pretty good!"

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "Thanks, I try. I've been hanging around you too much."

Kaiba: "What can I say? I am irresitable."

Garden Goddess: -_- ' "Calm down there Kaiba, we didn't even start the show yet."

Kaiba: "Funny."

Garden Goddess: "Thanks. So let's get started! Okay, come on Kaiba, let's go to a bar!"

(She grabs Kaiba by his sleeve and walks with him to the nearest bar, dragging him in. She looks around for the nearest girl and sees one sitting at a table in the far left corner.)

Garden Goddess: (Hands Kaiba a stack of cards) "Here. These have a pickup line on each card. One for each different girl you hit on. See that girl? Go to her first."

Kaiba: -_- "I have resorted myself to the lowest of the lows."

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "And I'm so proud. Now go get 'im tiger!" (Slaps him on the back)

Kaiba: . 

Garden Goddess: (Gives him a thumbs up as he walks up to the girl, looking back at her for a brief second) "Now let's all watch and see how well the outcome is. This should be hilarious!"

Kaiba: (Approached the girl and looks at the first card) "Oh..god this one is horrible." (Sighs but sits beside the girl anyway, achieving her attention. He can tell by her eyes she instantly isn't interested) "Hello."

Girl #1: "I'm not in the mood."

Kaiba: (Sighs again) "God help me... Did it Hurt?"

Girl #1: (Looks at him strangely) "What?"

Kaiba: (Feels degraded in having to say it) "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because I've never seen such a lovely angel as you."

Girl #1: (Frowns and slowly gets up to leave him alone at the table) "Loser."

Kaiba: -_- ' "This is so pathetic.."

Garden Goddess: ^____^ (Laughing hysterically, she comes up to the table and places a hand upon his shoulder, using him as an anchor to keep herself from falling) "That... was great!"

Kaiba: (Growls) "Nice to see SOMEONE is enjoying this."

Garden Goddess: ^_^ (Slowly stops laughing) "Come on it could have been worse."

Kaiba: -_- (Sneers sarcastically) "Yeah, I only lost every shred of my pride at that moment but it could have been worse."

Garden Goddess: (Slaps him on the back) "Well, don't just sit there, get going! There's plenty of other women in here!"

Kaiba: "Can't I just use them all on you instead? I hate doing this."

Garden Goddess: "I'm flattered but - no."

Kaiba: "Fine." (Gets up and heads to another table where a blonde is sitting at. She's sipping a beer and doesn't notice him at first. She suddenly raises her gaze to him and nods a hello as he sits beside her.) "Hi."

Girl #2 : (Looking him over) "Hello, never seen you around before."

Kaiba: (Shrugs) "I don't usually come to bars." (Looks at the next card and growls) "She's doing this on purpose! She's trying to humiliate me!" (Raises his gaze to look at GG to see her waving at him and shakes his head in agony)

Girl #2: (Looks at him strangely) "Who?"

Kaiba: (Sighs) "No one...." (Forces himself to read the card) "Hi my name's Seto Kaiba, I'm 18, I love long walks on the beach, dueling and candle light dinners... now that you know about me how about you tell me about yourself - starting with your cup size."

Girl #2: (Frowns at him angrily than stands up) "You filthy, disgusting - " CRACK! "PIG!" (She connects her hand to the side of his face and turns, taking her drink and leaving him to rub his cheek) 

Garden Goddess: O.o (Slowly approaches him) "That looked like it hurt!"

Kaiba: (Rubbing his cheek still) "Yeah, just a little. Am I done now?"

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "No, I'm afraid not Seto. On with number three!" (Slaps him on the back again and causes him to growl angrily)

Kaiba: (Slowly stands, looking for another girl. He sees another one sitting in a booth. He slowly heads over and stands before her, hoping that keeping his distance will make it harder for her to slap him) "Hello."

Girl #3: (Doesn't notice who he is until she looks up) "Hi how are- KAIBA?!"

Kaiba: O.O "GARDENER?!"

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "Heh...heh..."

Kaiba: (Looks back at GG angrily, knowing she set him up. He grits his teeth and balls his fists, knowing that more than just Tea would know now.) "Great." (Looks at the next card and raises a hand to his head letting out a groan) "This is not happening. It's. just. not. happening."

Tea: (Looks at him curiously) "Did you want something?"

Kaiba: (Lets his shoulders slump slightly as he speaks from the card) "Let's play a game. It's called 'let's get naked' - you can go first."

Tea: O_O "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!"

Kaiba: -_- ' "Don't get all worked up, I was forced to do this. I'd never find you attractive."

Tea: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME?"

Kaiba: -_- ' "I didn't mean it like that. Calm down Gardener, you're making a scene."

Tea: (Notices people are looking at them) -_- ' "Heh...heh.... I'm gonna sit down now."

Kaiba: "Good choice."

Tea: "I won't tell, if you don't."

Kaiba: "Count on it."

Garden Goddess: (Laughing hysterically in the background) "Oh man, my side.. ow.. it aches... ow.. I'm too good... ow....."

Kaiba: (Walks up to her) "Am I done NOW?"

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "I don't know..... awfully alot of other girls here and there's more cards where that came from...."

Kaiba: "I'll go out with you."

Garden Goddess: "Done!" (Grabs him by the arm and leads him out of the bar) "So where do you wanna take me?"

Kaiba: "Somewhere desolate."

Garden Goddess: (grins like a maniac) "Aww my Seto wants alone time.. aren't you a naughty boy?"

Kaiba: -_- ' "That is NOT what I was saying."

Garden Goddess: (Begins to sniffle) "Are you trying to tell me I'm ugly?!"

Kaiba: -_- ' "No I didn't mean that either..." (Sighs) "I'm never gonna win am I?"

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "Nope."

Kaiba: "Women."

Garden Goddess: "Anyways, what else can I do with you now that I gotcha here...."

Kaiba: (Jumps slightly) "Hey! You said only one of your stupid missions! I never agreed to two!"

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "Too bad. Oh, I know! You can - "

Kaiba: "I have work to do." (Walks away)

Garden Goddess: "HEY! Get back here!" (Sighs) "Oh well, I didn't expect much from him anyways, but that was SO funny!" (Laughs slightly) "Hmmmm... I guess I have time for another victim."

(She watches as Tristan walks by and suddenly breaks into a large grin)

Tristan: -_- ' "Am... I missing something?"

Garden Goddess: ^_^ "Tristan, just the man I was looking for...!"

Tristan: "Uhh.. okay, what's up?"

Garden Goddess: (Grins evily) "Wanna do me a favor?"

Tristan: (Eyes her suspicously) "Knowing you.. its gonna involve pain."

Garden Goddess: (Backs away, putting on a 'who me?!' look) "Why would you ever think I'm capable of such a thing?!"

Tristan: "Because you ARE capable of such a thing."

Garden Goddess: (Sighs) "And here... you ruined all my fun! I knew there was another reason why I hated your character!"

Tristan: -_- ' "............"

Garden Goddess: (Shrugs) "I guess you can close this episode if you want."

Tristan: "Cool!" (Grins and than claps his hands together) "Thanks for joining us on this episode of 'Meaningless Banter'! Be sure to review and tune in for the next new chapter!"

Garden Goddess: "Yeah what he said. Hopefully, I will have a new idea by the next episode! I wanna give a thanks to Kaiba for deciding to be on the show, regardless of his strong hatred issues... see ya next time guys!"


End file.
